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Not Ready for Granny Panties
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Television Musings

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

rear view of a girl pointing remote to a televisionI don’t watch a lot of television, except for Say Yes to the Dress, which I binge watch every chance I get. (I cannot get enough of wedding gowns.) But as with everything, I have serious opinions about what I do watch.

And right now, Marty McFly’s mother is making me uncomfortable.

Actress Lea Thompson played the mother to Michael J. Fox’s Marty in the 1985 film Back to the Future, where she missed dancing at the high school prom, instead finding herself stuck in a car with the school lunkhead. She’s trying to make up for it now by cutting a rug on this season’s Dancing With the Stars.

I’d rather see her in the car with Biff.

Though she’s consistently placed high in scores, for some reason, I find her painful to watch. Not as painful as awkward NASCAR racer Michael Waltrip (how is he still on the show?), but still painful. And not nearly as annoying as Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli. Can someone shut those two up, please? Also, as much as I love to watch Alfonso Ribeiro, I’ve heard him say the word “groin” just a few too many times tonight.

Leah Remini took over hosting duties for Erin Andrews, grating like a sharp hunk of parmigiano, while Tommy Chong stumbled through another routine, looking like he just emerged from his zillionth pot-induced haze.

The male dancers have decided that shirts are unnecessary, as, apparently, is body hair. Good thing they tape the show in California. Anywhere else and the men would freeze to death.

Then of course, there are the commercials for erectile dysfunction. Viagra and Dancing With the Stars. Pandering to the audience?

Oh, and let’s not forget the political ads. Because we haven’t had enough name calling and backstabbing from those pantheons of virtue we’re electing to office.

Okay, I’m done for now. It’s after eleven and bedtime. Maybe I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll just leave the TV off.

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Singing in the Rain with Dancing With the Stars!

Such an adorable number by Derek Hough and Bethany Mota last week on DWTS. A classic, classically done! Emjoy!

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Whatever Gets You Through Your Life

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By: Chrysa Smith

‘Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony, please come around. Something is lost and needs to be found.’

This is a little ‘ditty’ MaryFran will utter for things like finding parking places. Funny, leftover Catholic dogma doesn’t really resonate as a serious prayer with me, but perhaps a plea? I giggle at it, I’ll be darned if it doesn’t work every time we’re in the car together.

So, it was no joking matter today. Because in a desperate moment–a moment when I couldn’t begin to find a favorite silver necklace, I said the prayer. I looked everywhere logically possible at least six times. But as I was reciting it, I could hear my inner voice saying ‘come on–really?’ Did it anyway, and for some reason, opened the makeup drawer, pulled out my travel bag and voila–there was the necklace.

Now in a Catholic dictionary, there is probably no listing for ‘Totally Catholic.’  But, as many of you can attest to, there is most certainly a definition. And that includes going to mass, confession and daily prayer. It also means having certain religious articles in your possession. Those would be rosary beads, prayer veils, holy cards, mass cards, scapula (really?), crucifixes, statues of Mary, perhaps holy water and prayer books. It also was the basis of my upbringing. And although I’ve strayed ever so slightly in my later years, a lot of those comforting rituals help navigate those little frustrations in life. Bless a little circumstance. And I began to think about how many of them I still do.

Whenever I slice into a new loaf of bread or cake, I bless it with the knife. Maybe I’m giving it ‘last rites’ as I hone down on it with the blade. Whenever I pass some ‘road kill’ on the side of the highway, I quietly say a little prayer or visualize a blessing (maybe that’s just weird.) When I hoped to sell my house some two decades ago, I planted St. Anthony upside down in the corner of my yard (Poor guy gets all sorts of weird jobs). This is all in addition to the usual   wearing of  a little cross or religious symbol on a necklace or bracelet. And sending some love out to St. Jude (the saint of impossible causes)—motherly concerns direct to Mary.

Whatever we learned early on really sticks, whether theologically sound or just fun. And with all life dishes out, simple as a parking spot; serious as an impossible cause, I say whatever gets you through your life, or even one night, is alright by me.

 

 

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Alfonso Ribeiro Does “The Carlton” on DWTS–Amazing!

It just doesn’t get more fun than this. Alfonso Ribeiro reprises the famous “Carlton” dance from his days on The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire in a fresh, new way. What a delight–enjoy!

 

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All In A Day’s Work

By: Chrysa Smith

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Meet Violet, DoraLee and Judy. Three tough broads. Oops! Is that politically incorrect? Well then, you should hear Dwayne’s take on women in the hit musical 9 to 5.

My friend Ruth and I ventured on down to Philly to see the show this week. If you haven’t seen it or the movie, do so. It’s a funny take on the late 70’s workplace—which most of us, can—unfortunately, remember all too well. The gals are sick and tired of being treated like second-class citizens, sex objects, incompetents at Consolidated Industries. So, when their fantasies about change in the workplace are shared, they realize that maybe they do have some clout after all. Three female brains can certainly outsmart one chauvinistic, leech of a boss, and so it falls into place.

During a seemingly normal day at the office, boss Dwayne winds up bound and gagged and ultimately harness-hung above his bed, as the gals dictate what needs to change around there. Dwayne, who is nobody’s fool, finds a way around this mess with the added plus of moving up the corporate ladder. That is, until his boss decides ‘up the ladder’ is to a developing South American country. Violet is promoted to boss, the girls change the way of the world at Consolidated and all ends well. Except for Roz—she’s the former workplace manager in love with Dwayne. A funny stump of a woman, the sexy scene with her on the boss’s desk is a classic. She doesn’t realize her plight yet—she’s still hopelessly in love with the cad of a boss and will follow him to the ends of the earth.

This is all based on the work and talent of Dolly Parton. Who, in part, digitally narrates some of the production and provides some comic relief as well as a hit song or two.

It all brought back my time at a former toy company in NYC, when I worked in the Consumer Relations (aka: complaint) department. A young, naive gal just out of school, I remember the bosses having a little nip at the desk after work, relationships with employees, alcohol at company Christmas parties and sexual comments passed to women on a regular basis. Gee, what ever happened to those good old days? Just kidding. Well, they were good in lots of ways, but I think the workplace has gotten a tad classier than it was. Least I think so. And so has the role of women. Which got me thinking about today—fast forwarded three decades when some really major companies have female CEO’s. And while I’m not a politically correct woman, nor do I believe in the ‘quota’ system, I still have to agree that we’ve come a long way baby—-and I’m sure glad we have. Now if I could only make as much money as my husband!

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Measuring a Weird Workout

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

To hear an audio version of this post, click the play arrow below.


 
 
Woman Walking on TreadmillI’ve heard of counting calories, but counting Kegels?

More specifically, measuring kegels, which, if you know what a kegel is (and if you’re a woman, I’m guessing you do), is really weird.

Okay, so I’ll dish details. Kegels are those odd exercises women are encouraged to do down there, to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and prevent incontinence as we age, which translates into not peeing yourself when you exercise–or just sneeze. Or cough. Or laugh.

If you’ve had kids and are anywhere near the half-century mark, you can deny it all you want, but you know what I’m talking about.

The fact that women, after everything else nature throws at us, beginning with “the curse” and continuing through the end of “the curse,” which is equally traumatizing, have to worry about peeing themselves is mortifying. But that’s not the worst of it. If you fail to strengthen your pelvic floor and let gravity have its way with you, your parts could actually start to fall out of your vajayjay.

No, this has not happened to me. But I know someone to whom it has happened. Needless to say, she shall remain nameless to save her any humiliation beyond the fact that her parts are falling out.

Clearly, this should be motivation enough to start doing kegels, if you don’t do them already. But how do you know you’re doing them correctly? I mean, it’s not like you’re lifting a dumbbell at the gym or something.

Introducing The Juve, a new device purported to not only show women how to correctly perform kegles, but to measure your progress. (No, this is not a joke.)

Have you ever heard of Fitbit? It’s one of many kinds of devices which track your workouts, providing information on calorie burn, heart rate and other things associated with a fitness regimen. It’s also generally worn on your wrist.

I’ll spare you the details, but use your imagination to figure out exactly where you have to put The Juve to take advantage of its promises. Depending upon your attitude, that could either be a very bad or a very good thing.

If you’re of the persuasion that it’s a good thing, you’ll have to wait a while. The Juve is not yet available to the public. Its inventors are currently raising funds via a Kickstarter campaign to bring the product to market. (You might want to contribute if you want them to hurry up.)

As time marches on, I’ll continue to work out. As to the specifics of my workout, well, I’m not inclined to share. I’ll do what I can, but if I hear a really funny joke or catch a bad cold, I think I’ll just sit down and cross my legs.

Would you try The Juve? Click “comments” below and share!

 

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How To Handle Belligerence

Ah, to be as quick thinking when met with belligerence. The below might be true or might not, but it’s still pretty funny! Enjoy!

–Mary Fran

MP900285144(1)A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket on the counter and said:-

“I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but
I’ve got to help these folks
first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: “DO YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.

“May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can
help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United
Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: “Screw You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said:

“I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”