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Not Ready for Granny Panties
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The Woman’s Book of Dirty Words–Print and Ebook Now Available! (FOR NEW NRFGP POSTS, SCROLL DOWN!)

FOR NEW NRFPG POSTS, SCROLL DOWN!

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

It’s here! The next book in the Not Ready for Granny Panties series, titled The Woman’s Book of Dirty Words, is now available in print and ebook versions. Check out the out this fabulous video below by NRFGP own amazing illustrator, Pat Achilles! (Am I using too many exclamation points?!!! I’m really excited!!!!!!) The Woman’s Book of Dirty Words, along with Not Ready for Granny Panties–The 11 Commandments for Avoiding Granny Panties, is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.com. Order yours today!

The Woman’s Book of Dirty Words

We women talk—a lot. Yet, the words that take others to their happy place often make us miserable. Words like “vacation,” “dinner,” and “holidays” can leave us breathing into a paper bag with our head between our knees. It doesn’t have to be that way. Join Mary Fran Bontempo and redefine the “dirty words” that make women cringe. You’ll laugh, learn, make some changes and trim your “dirty words” list down to size!

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Cleaning Up Your Self-Talk

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

I talk to myself a lot. And I’m pretty sure you do, too.

Sometimes, I’m trying to talk out why the heck I walked into the kitchen: “What did I come in here for?” Other times, I’m talking about what I’m going to make for dinner: “Maybe I can do pasta tonight.”

Those are the benign chats. Yet it’s not always that innocent.

Sometimes, my self-talk seems designed to beat me up, even though it’s coming from my own mind.

The voices in our heads can be negative, ugly, and even destructive, not to mention constant. And those voices create our own list of “dirty words,” that can send us into a tail spin at their mere mention.

Every woman has dirty words particular to her, but a few are universal–like the words, “change,” and “balance.” Did the hair on the back of your neck just stand up?

We can control our self-talk, and our dirty words. When we do, we tame the self-talk beast, and give ourselves the permission and freedom to create the life we want.

Let’s quiet the voices in our heads together; visit me at maryfranbontempo.com.

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Happy Hour Workshop May 18th!

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

See full size image below!

See full size image below!

What do you get when you mix smart, fun ladies with interesting information plus wine and yummy stuff?

A great night, that’s what! (Full size image below!)

On May 18th, five fabulous ladies (and yes, I’m tooting my own horn–why not?!) will meet at the NAC (Newtown Athletic Club) from 6-8 PM for a fun and informative evening geared towards women. (Men, do not be afraid–we welcome you, too!)

Women often find themselves in a care-taker role, both in their personal lives and sometimes professionally. Yet, rarely do they place themselves at the top of their own care-taker list, making them exhausted, unproductive and yes, unhappy.

Did you know that half of all women:

  • Never speak to a financial advisor about their financial health and future goals
  • Never speak to a doctor about pelvic health concerns
  • Hate having their picture taken and never see their own beauty
  • Never put themselves on their own priority list

Join We Chat Workshops and presenters Catherine Shanahan (CDFA and co-founder of Divorce U Solutions) and Marianna Goldenberg (CDFA and founding principal at CURO Wealth Management), as they provide valuable information on setting goals and achieving financial stability. Dr. Stephanie Molden (leading Urogynecology Physician at Female Pelvic Health Center) advises women on health issues. Brenda Jankowski (Bren Photography) offers tips to show you at your most beautiful for your next photo session, and author, speaker and humorist, Mary Fran Bontempo shows women how to tweak their self-talk to live happier, more productive lives.

Along with a happy hour menu of unique appetizers and wine, presented tapas-style, this program offers women an evening of information, empowerment, and entertainment, presented by experts in their respective fields. Kick-off begins at 6:15 with an opening presentation. Give-aways include a grand prize basket, and other offerings. Together, women can make a difference, and sharing resources and fun is a winning combination for all women.

Every woman deserves to spend a few hours just on herself. Advance tickets for this evening of information and fun are available for $45; at-door purchase $50. To purchase your ticket, visit Eventbrite . The Newtown Athletic Center (The NAC) is located at 120 Pheasant Run, Newtown, PA 18940.

See you there!

WeChatWorkshop051816final

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An Almost Perfect Vacation

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

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Me and Dave enjoying Florida, as evidenced by Dave smiling. He usually looks like someone’s sticking bamboo shoots under his fingernails in photos.

Ultimately, it was the bathrooms.

After nearly 35 years of marriage, with the anniversary coming upon us in June, my husband, Dave, and I decided to take a vacation to celebrate. We traveled to Florida, spending a few days in Sarasota, a favorite spot, with the blue-green waters of the Gulf of Mexico beckoning, and then on to Disney World, because we’re weird that way.

It was the first major vacation that didn’t involve our children. And, sorry, kids, it was fantastic.

No schedules. No agenda. Nothing to see or do but exactly what we wanted, which, lucky for us, usually turns out to be the same thing.

We had wonderful meals, one especially memorable at the Columbia Restaurant in St. Armands Circle. And then there was the 70-something guy who fancied himself quite the entertainer, belting out both “Uptown Funk” and “Blurred Lines,” while we alternately gaped in disbelief and applauded his moxie. Hysterical.
 


 

Disney has always been our go-to, much to the chagrin of my friend Kathy, who cannot in her wildest imagination figure why we would want to tromp around a theme part overrun with kids to stand in line for rides we’ve been on a dozen times before. I can’t explain it either, but we do exactly that, and we love it every time.

It was the perfect vacation, so you’d think we’d be sad to see it end, right? Wrong. Not only were we not sad, we moved up our flight by a day and came home early.

We’d had our fill of public bathrooms.

I’m not sure what happens to people when they use a public bathroom. Even in Disney World, where things are generally scrupulously clean, the bathrooms are disgusting. Or maybe it’s the people using the bathrooms. Either way, I stepped in more pee in six days’ time than a zoo keeper cleaning a monkey pen. (And I will spare you the video I took of a giant gorilla turning his butt to the humans staring at him and divesting himself of several gallons worth of pee, shooting us a look of disdain after he was done. Oh hell, no I won’t. It’s below.)

 


 

I could kind of see it if I were a man and over or under-shot my aim with that appendage they need to use. But women? What are you ladies doing in there? We sit down to pee. If you’re standing up, you’re probably going to pee on the floor. And apparently, a lot of you are doing just that.

Believe me, as somewhat of a germaphobe, I get the cleanliness thing, which is why I never pee in a public bathroom without first lining the seat with that annoying paper thing, toilet paper, or both. Assuming, that is, that the seat is not soaked with pee and must be wiped first before lining is even attempted. Why is the seat soaked with pee? Are you squatting and going around in circles? What is that about? And yes, ordinarily I’d just go to another stall after seeing a pee-soaked seat, but after waiting in line for Pirates of the Caribbean for 35 minutes, and then trying to find a bathroom in Adventureland, an open stall is the only option, unless…well, let’s leave unless to the imagination, in which case I cross my legs and hop up and down until a free stall opens up, hopefully sans seat pee.

And don’t even get me started on the sinks. Why are they always soaked? Are people showering in there and I just missed it? Why is it so hard to wash your hands without flinging water all over the rest of the bathroom? Then there are the sticky floors, the wet and dirty paper towels and God knows what germs still living and thriving on the door handles….

About six days in, we just looked at each other and said, “What do you think about going home a day early?”

Yes, the vacation was amazing. But so is using the bathroom without stepping in pee. It’s nice to be, and pee, at home.

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Hello Doris! A Movie Review.

dorisby: Chrysa Smith

Sweet Sally Field. I can never get let go of her roll in ‘The Flying Nun’ which I watched (hmm) religiously as a kid.

But here she is, post Forest Gump, The Amazing Spider Man and some less significant tv roles. And she brings all the things we love together—romance, youth, quirkiness and her sweet ways in her role as ‘Doris’—the odd older woman who works in a Manhattan ad agency in the film Hello, My Name is Doris. Dressed in mismatching plaids, stripes and solids, Doris is never seen without her cat-eye glasses, and often seen with an additional pair of reading glasses. Her pin-in hairpiece and colorful headbands add to her bohemian quality, which turns out to be a win-win in a young person’s world, as her younger co-workers find her to be oddly ‘hip.’

But Doris is actually a loner who happens to fall head-over-heels for the newest recruit at the agency. A handsome young transplant, he at first, humors Doris, but the friendship quickly turns into a close confidante for him; a potential romance for her. Her best friend (Tyne Daly) thinks she’s lost her mind, but as good friends do, stands there to pick up the pieces when the saying ‘there’s no fool like an old fool’ comes true. Doris goes through a variety of schemes to wind up smack in the young man’s path, which brings her great fun—if for only awhile.  Her dreams are vanquished, if only temporarily, when she posts something on Facebook that actually breaks up his actual romantic relationship.

Meanwhile, her brother and his wife are trying to coerce Doris out of her over-crowded, hoarded, long-term home, shared with her recently deceased mother. Her hoarding is intricate to the plot, as it seems, hoarders get stuck in a period of time and can’t part with anything sentimental at all.

In the end, we’re left with a open-end, not knowing what might really happen for Doris after all. She has agreed to clear out the house and perhaps, make a new beginning, but her day-dreaming about her heart-throb transitions from fantasy to reality—or does it?

It’s a cute flick for women ‘in-the-middle’ and anyone who likes to see the power of a triumphant woman.

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The Need for Indulgence

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

woman-674977_1920Whatever it is–a manicure, a spa day, a piece of chocolate, or even a new lipstick–indulgence is a must for women, and one we too often forget. Heck, we don’t forget it; it never registers to begin with!

We’re busy, over-worked, tired, and we don’t take care of ourselves. The good news is, it doesn’t take much. But we have to put ourselves, and a little indulgence, on the program. Click here to check out my latest piece for Best Kept Self–and indulge yourself!

 

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The Ghosts of Easters Past

By: Mary Fran Bontempo

White vinegarWhite vinegar.

As scents go, it’s hardly one that you’d think would elicit fond memories. But I’m literally sitting here crying as I think of the ghosts of Easters past.

Any mother who celebrated Easter with her kids, at least when my kids were young, remembers the smell of white vinegar. It was the essential component when dyeing Easter eggs.

That’s what we did back in the day, before those mesh bags filled with plastic Easter eggs from China became ubiquitous during the Easter season.

I get it. I mean, the process of dyeing Easter eggs was laborious, smelly (see: white vinegar, above), and messy. Not to mention wasteful, because how many kids actually ate the eggs after dyeing them? When the other option is candy, few children opted for a hard-boiled egg. Plus, those plastic eggs came with the element of surprise. What was hidden inside? Candy? A dollar? The only thing hidden inside a hard-boiled egg was an egg.

Easter eggsStill, dyeing Easter eggs with my kids was a special tradition. Gathered around the table dropping brightly colored discs into cups filled with pungent white vinegar, then carefully dipping the egg into the cup, their little faces shone with anticipation while waiting for the once white egg to be transformed.

And remember those funky wire contraptions that lifted the colored egg from the cup so little fingers, and the freshly colored egg, were spared the mess?

I loved those days. They were all too short. But now, I have Emma, my darling granddaughter, with whom I plan to again dye Easter eggs. I hope we can make new memories together. Maybe some day, she’ll smell white vinegar and think of a happy time with her Franny. I know I will.

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International Women’s Day–Google’s Doodle

Tuesday, March 8th is International Women’s Day. Enjoy Google’s take on the #OneDayIWill campaign with their Google Doodle below. What’s your “One Day I Will” dream?