By: Mary Fran Bontempo

I actually feel sorry for them.

And by “them,” I mean the breasts attached to the young lady at left.

The image is courtesy of Victoria’s Secret and features a bra from their “Bombshell” collection, which promises to amp up your “girl” power by 2 cup sizes, apparently by contorting your boobs into unnatural, and by the look on the model’s face, painful, positions.

Now, I don’t have much to speak of in this department, literally. There’s not a whole lot going on down there, so you’d think I’d take all the help I can get.

You would be wrong. Because when help means that I have to put on a garment the takes my body parts and moves them to places they have no business being, I have a problem with that.

I also know that as a less-endowed woman, my front looks different than the front of a gal with more to offer. But really, isn’t there supposed to be a space between those things? And although I sometimes do eat on the run, I’m not looking to lay a lunch tray on my chest, though I’ll bet she could hold up more than a Happy Meal with all the push-up support going on there.

If you do happen to be blessed with more, my understanding is that sometimes, undergarments can already be a bit uncomfortable. Does anyone really want to voluntarily put on something that would make a grimace the day’s mandatory facial expression?

What? Oh, that’s supposed to be a sexy, come-hither expression? Yeah, well I don’t have much experience in that department, either.

But I have been wearing bras for around 50 (gulp) years now. And while I’ll readily admit that I need some new ones (I’m not sure, but I think some of those in my closet have been around since Nixon), I can’t see plunking down $49.50 to $65 for something that not only hurts, but makes it look as though I’ve stuffed two cantaloupes down my shirt. (All right, probably two peaches, but you get my point.)

Yet, if I’m being totally honest, we all know that as we ladies get a bit older, our body parts do tend to migrate south, if you know what I mean. So to that end, I suppose a little realigning here and there is in order.

But if it’s all the same to Victoria and her Secrets, I’ll stick to something a little less constricting. And if I need a place to put a lunch tray, I’ll just look for an empty table at the mall. (Update: No one goes to the mall to eat anymore. Or goes to the mall at all, for that matter.)

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