By: Mary Fran Bontempo
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In yet another effort to further its plan of world domination, Costco is now offering members the opportunity to add a mortgage as well as giant jar of mustard to their shopping carts.

I’m a recent Costco convert, as the big box giant just opened its first store in my area. For the uninitiated, Costco is akin to a giant candy store for adults, with a surprise waiting around every aisle. We’ve purchased fabulous food (a to-die-for carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for $7.99), clothing (sweats to bathing suits), and electronics (my new HP computer). The $1.50 deal for a hot dog and soda for lunch is hard to pass up, too.

Trips to Costco have become outings for us. “Hey, hon, do you want to go see a movie, get something to eat or go to Costco?” Frequently, we find ourselves headed to the box.

Costco appears to be positioning itself as the go-to place for all stages of life. The company addresses the needs of babies with enormous packages of necessities ranging from diapers to formula. Children’s products include clothing, toys and school supplies. Students will soon be able to apply for student loans and with the aforementioned mortgages, homeowners can now finance their homes while filling them with stuff. And when you’re out of time for Costco’s stuff, have no fear, the company offers caskets online. (Just be sure to order by 12 PM EST for expedited shipping.)

In order to truly be first on everyone’s “need” list, though, the company realizes it must get into the health care game. Consequently, health insurance coverage is on Costco’s radar and may soon be available.

To that end, Costco could really serve its customer base by offering additional health related services at bargain prices. For example:

The Costco Colonoscopy: The company maintains automotive services in bay garages near the store’s entrance. Why not convert a few bays into colonoscopy screening rooms? Pull your car into one garage for inspection, get a colonoscopy while you wait. The car gets one lube job, you get another and when you’re through, the $1.50 hot dog lunch will really hit the spot.

Costco Birthing Suites: Who needs hospitals? Deliver your baby in a Costco birthing suite, send your husband into the store to gather supplies for a quick celebration, and before checking out the next day, stock up on diapers, formula and student loan applications. (You can never be too early when checking out the right schools.)

Costco Knee and Hip Replacement: All that walking has many Costco customers grimacing in pain. Insure that you’ll never miss a bargain by getting those worn-out knees and hips replaced in specially located areas next to the loading dock. Customers get to have surgery and while they recover, have a bird’s eye view of all incoming merchandise, which they can then order from a bedside keyboard.

And finally…

Costco Angioplasty: Those gigantic jars of mayonnaise may look like a bargain, but your arteries will beg to differ. Schedule routine angioplasty at regular intervals to be certain that mayo never goes to waste because your doctor told you not to eat it.

Once everything’s in place, Costco need do only one more thing—change its slogan. I’m thinking something simple and to the point:

Costco—Come on in. You’ll never have to leave again.

What’s your favorite Costco find? Click “comments” below and share!