By: Mary Fran Bontempo

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Gold and Diamond Solitaire RingSay it isn’t so, George.

People Magazine has reported (and if it’s in People Magazine, it must be true), that you’re engaged. Amal Alamuddin is the name of the woman who appears to be sporting a ring, ostensibly bestowed by you. If pictures are to be believed (I mean, let’s face it, anyone can Photoshop a picture), Amal is a stunner. And unlike your previous endless conquests, including a pro wrestler, this one is brainy, too, a British attorney specializing in international law and human rights. (People have also been known to fake resumes, however.)

Far be it from me to be a spoil-sport, George, but I thought we had an understanding. I realize that the timing’s been a little off, I mean, there is the small matter of my almost 33 year marriage and the three kids and all, but it was supposed to be me you ended up with, not some smarty-pants beauty who says she has a law degree.

From all accounts, you and Amal have been together a mere six months. At the risk of sounding like the mother I am, how much do you really know about this woman? I mean, I just Googled her and the only thing that shows up for at least the first three pages is her connection to you. Okay, there is that article on the Forbes website that mentions that Amal went to Harvard and holds a Masters Degree from New York University School of Law, but big deal. I graduated from college Suma Cum Laude with a 3.86. Granted, it was 33 years ago, but so what? Those 33 years taught me stuff your girlfriend couldn’t begin to fathom.

For example, I know how to raise three kids to adulthood (at least chronologically) without having anyone end up in jail. (Well, at least not for an extended stay. And house arrest doesn’t count.) I know how to both put up and strip wallpaper, which I learned how to do after finding out paying someone to do it was about equal to a mortgage payment. I know how to prime, do basic repairs and operate multiple machines and equipment, including washing machines, vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers and snow blowers. I also know how to get three family meals out of a $4.99 Costco roasted chicken.

There’s more, but you see my point, don’t you? With all of this practical knowledge at the ready, why would you choose someone whose main attribute seems to be an ability to talk in circles with a bunch of lawyers? If that floats your boat, though, know that I’m also an expert in talking in circles and finding the truth in circuitous arguments–see raising three kids and jail, above.

But it seems you’ve made your choice. Truth be told, if you can’t see how amazing I am, you don’t deserve me anyway. So enjoy your time with Amal, for however long it lasts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s something wrong with the washer, the vacuum needs a belt changed and Dave just came in with a Costco chicken. I’ve got stuff to do.

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