By: Mary Fran Bontempo
(with some really funny lines contributed by Laura Bontempo)
To hear an audio version of this post, click the play arrow below.

So that’s where Vegas got its motto.

To an outsider, the Olympics represent excellence in athletics, competition and a chance for the world to show the best of itself for two all-too-brief weeks every few years.

For the Olympians themselves, it represents the ultimate opportunity to excel at their sport, a chance for years of hard work to culminate in the honor of competing for their country with the best athletes in the world.

Apparently, it also means having a lot of sex.

After passing out 70,000 condoms during the 2000 Sydney Olympics and upping the number to 100,000 at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games, whoever is in charge of free Olympic condoms has waved his or her magic wand to gift athletes with at least 150,000 opportunities to have protected sex during the London summer sex-fest…er summer games.

It seems that sex is another Olympic sport—one that’s not televised for public consumption, although it would probably be a lot more interesting to watch than badminton—no offense to athletes who spend their time whacking a shuttlecock. Sorry, poor choice of words.

According to an article appearing in ESPN’s July Body Issue, sex is everywhere in the Olympic Village, with beautiful bodies changing beds so often that Olympic swimmer Summer Sanders invokes what she calls the “second Olympic motto: ‘What happens in the village stays in the village.’” It’s a diplomatic and cultural free-for-all, and it gives rise to all sorts of possibilities as to how to turn nature’s sporting event into an actual Olympic sport.

It could be a cross between a legitimate Olympic event, with qualifying time trials (faster is NOT better for this one), and a reality show, where viewers get to choose which athletes they want to see “compete” with which other athletes, voting off anyone who comes up “short.” (Apologies again; seeing Magic Mike a few weeks ago ruined me.)

As with, say, gymnastics, there could be required elements to every routine, with the freestyle portion allowing for individual creativity. And unlike events such as pole vaulting, viewers would be encouraged to “try this at home,” allowing a level of participation in the games by ordinary people that is heretofore unprecedented.

The revelations also offer hope to those having trouble in the dating department. If isn’t working for you, just get really good at ping pong and voila! Instant cache. Looking for a little action? Take up fencing or rowing. If you’re not really athletically inclined, go for a spot on the curling team. Hey, an Olympian is an Olympian, regardless of the sport. Just get yourself a ticket into that village and you’ll be living the dream.

In truth, I can’t really blame the athletes for indulging. With outrageously rigid lifestyles, they have little chance to cut loose, and the privacy offered by the Olympic Village is just the place for them to take advantage of some of life’s more visceral pleasures away from prying eyes.

But 150,000 condoms? It’s a wonder anyone has any strength to compete at anything. Yet I suppose it’s necessary. After all, it’s the only way to make sure that “What happens in the village stays in the village”…and doesn’t follow an athlete home nine months later.

What’s your take on sex as an Olympic sport? Click “comments” below and share!