By: Mary Fran Bontempo
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So we’re smack in the middle of the “joys and pleasures” of the Christmas season.
I love the glitz and glamor of Christmas—when someone else is doing the glitzing and glamoring. Yet even then, things get out of hand.
When the kids were young, I went crazy at Christmas, creating so much holiday cheer in the form of over-the-top-decorating, freshly baked (and burned) cookies and family outings that it took planning on par with a major military initiative to pull it all off. It was worth it, though, seeing the joy the season held for my kids.
That is, it was worth it when they were little and I thought there would be a natural end to the madness when they grew up.
I’ve since learned that “grew up” is a relative term, and worse, that traditions started when the kids were young are as impossible to get rid of as soap scum on the shower door. (And some of them are about as attractive to me now.) Which explains why I’m at it again this year, clambering around the attic and basement hauling out bin after bin of Christmas crap at the insistence, and with the dogged assistance, of my youngest child, Meg, who, as the only full time kid in residence, has anointed herself queen of all things holiday.
I clearly created a monster, as Meg has adorned every conceivable surface with stuff, refusing to scale back on anything and even digging out junk I squirreled away in the nether-regions of the basement closets in hopes she wouldn’t find it. She did.
I’m dealing with the Christmas crud, not to mention the shopping, baking, etc., but I don’t have to be happy about it, so I’ve once again resurrected my version of the venerable holiday classic, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” with my own crabby, Christmas Grinch spin.
Listen in and sing along if you share the sentiments….
“The Twelve Days of the Season”
On the first day of the season, a thought occurred to me: I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day two of the season, a thought occurred to me: This mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day three of the season, a thought occurred to me: I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day four of the season, a thought occurred to me: The tree lights just went out, I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day five of the season, a thought occurred to me: I HATE BAKING COOKIES! The tree lights just went out, I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day six of the season, a thought occurred to me: I’ve overspent my credit, I HATE BAKING COOKIES! The tree lights just went out, I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day seven of the season, a thought occurred to me: Where are those *#%! boxes? I’ve overspent my credit, I HATE BAKING COOKIES! The tree lights just went out, I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded, and I’m stepping headlong into misery.
On day eight of the season, a thought occurred to me: There’s no more wrapping paper, where are those *#%! boxes? I’ve overspent my credit, I HATE BAKING COOKIES! The tree lights just went out….
On day nine of the season, a thought occurred to me: I’m sick of Christmas carols, there’s no more wrapping paper, where are those *#%! boxes? I’ve overspent my credit….
On day ten of the season, a thought occurred to me: Whose idea was eggnog? I’m sick of Christmas carols, there’s no more wrapping paper, where are those *#%! boxes?….
On day eleven of the season, a thought occurred to me: The dog just ate the manger, whose idea was eggnog? I’m sick of Christmas carols, there’s no more wrapping paper….
On day twelve of the season, a thought occurred to me: I’ve gained seven pounds, the dog just ate the manger, whose idea was eggnog? I’m sick of Christmas carols, there’s no more wrapping paper, where are those *#%! boxes? I’ve overspent my credit, I HATE BAKING COOKIES! The tree lights just went out, I’ve addressed a hundred cards, this mall is really crowded… AND I’M STEPPING HEADLONG INTO MISERY!!!!!
Okay, I feel better. Good thing, too. Meg just found the outdoor decorations. Here we go again….Merry Christmas, everyone!
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