By: Mary Fran Bontempo
For the next twenty-four days, most of us will be clomping around like the zombies on AMC’s The Walking Dead, lurching from store to store in search of the perfect Christmas gifts for everyone on our lists, hoping for an appreciative “Ooohhh” or “Aaaahhh” for our efforts. Those efforts are assisted by the onslaught of advertising jammed down our throats advising us of what will make our giftees jump for joy.
But what about the people we don’t like? Instead of just ignoring them by “forgetting” to send them a Christmas card (which would put everyone I know on my “Don’t Like List” as I always forget to send cards), here are a few items you can offer those who really rub you the wrong way. Once they open the package, there will be no doubt as to how you feel, and since a few of the gifts aren’t available just yet–you’ll have to enclose an IOU–you’re adding insult to injury. Just to drive the point home.
1. Kim Kardashian Selfish. Kim Kardashian’s coffee table book of selfies. The queen of narcissism has decided that we still can’t get enough of her ubiquitous person (despite being subjected to images of ALL OF HER at least once a week) and will further offend the world by publishing a 352 page volume of porn, er, selfies, a.k.a. pictures she took by herself, of herself. Since the book won’t be available until April, 2015, you could warn the intended recipient that it’s coming and allow him/her to try and change your opinion of them before you inflict it on them. But if you really don’t like someone, punish them with this.
2. Russell Brand’s Trickster Tales. Even though Christmas is a time for children, we all know kids that we just don’t like. (Deny it if you want; it’s true.) Since books are big gifts for kids (even though they won’t read them), feel free to present any particularly annoying rug rat with comedian Russel Brand’s books of Trickster Tales, based on traditional fairy tales but with Brand’s mentally unhinged twist. As a writer, I’m already insulted that people who have no business calling themselves writers (are you listening, Madonna?) are now “writing” books for children. But when a certifiable lunatic like Brand gets paid to write for kids, well, I could hurt somebody. Read a sample of his take on the Pied Piper of Hamelin, below:
“The clock made its sixth chime. ‘Now it’s six,’ said the glint-eyed piper. A rat that was eating his discarded ham sandwich looked up, fearfully. All the rats paused. The piper silently drew in a long breath through his long nose. The glint-eyed piper knew that each breath we take is borrowed. The glint-eyed piper knew that all things are connected, the clouds, the people, the rats, the pipe, the music. All things are connected by invisible threads. The people of the town didn’t know that, for they only cared about things they could see and eat and get prizes for.”
Come on! Seriously? But once again, if the kid on the receiving end of this has any question as to how you really feel, this will answer it.
3. Blood Sport. For the video game lover, this one is a real winner. Two Canadian developers are working on a game called Blood Sport, which, get this, actually DRAWS BLOOD from players. In an effort to make this not sound like the sadistic experience it really is, the guys claim it’s intended to get people to donate blood. Yeah, sure it is. The developers were fund raising through a Kickstarter campaign, but it was recently suspended (can’t imagine why), so you may have to wait til next year for this one. But since nothing says “I can’t stand you” like stabbing someone and drawing blood, it may be worth the wait for anyone on your list you want to go all Hunger Games on.
I could continue, but that’s enough negative energy for one Christmas season. As for me, I won’t be purchasing anything for those on my naughty list. I’ll just keep everyone guessing by “forgetting” to send Christmas cards again, thus ensuring that I’ll be on plenty of naughty lists myself, which is really nothing new. However, should I ever find a copy of Kim Kardashian Selfish under my own tree, I promise to mend my ways.
No one should be so awful as to deserve that.