How to Milk a Goat

In the midst of yet another Bontempo family water crisis, my husband and son were contemplating the prospect of putting in a new garbage disposal after discovering a leak in the bottom of the old unit.

“We could probably do this,” Dave said.

Given the fact that the last foray under the sink resulted in the hot and cold water being reversed for the past 2 years, I found myself cringing at the thought.

“Have you two ever replaced a garbage disposal before?” I asked.

“It can’t be that hard,” my husband said. “We could probably find a video about how to do it on You Tube.”

“Ha!” I snorted. “You could probably find a video about how to milk a goat on You Tube. That doesn’t mean you should do it.”

My son began tapping on his “smart” phone. “Do you want to know how to milk a goat by hand or with a machine?” David asked.

“You’re kidding,” I said, as he turned the phone and the videos towards me.

“See, we’ll be fine,” Dave said.

“Maybe we should just get a plumber for this job,” I said. “I’m sure we could find something else to do on You Tube if you guys are bored. Here, let me see what I can come up with.”

I frantically searched the site—anything to keep my guys away from the plumbing. “Look, we can take up hang gliding. There are over 5700 videos for it. Or how about learning to ride a unicycle—4020 videos. Maybe we should just head to the shore; we could learn to catch an octopus, 978 videos, or pan for gold—that’s a good one! There are 9440 videos on that,” I said desperately.

“Fran, you’re over-reacting. We can fix the garbage disposal. It’ll be fine,” Dave replied. “You just go about your business and by the time you’re ready to fix dinner, we’ll be finished.”

I exhaled, resigned to the inevitable, and left the kitchen. “Fine. Have it your way,” I called over my shoulder. Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I thought, as I turned to my computer. I wonder what else I can find on here that they can fix.

Several hours later, I returned to the kitchen, computer in hand, with a list of handyman You Tube repairs for my fellas. “Look,” I said, typing into the search box, “since you guys have decided you can watch videos to fix stuff around the house, I made a list. Here’s one on how to replace windows. A few of the ones upstairs are broken. And here’s another one on how to fix the deck. You know how that rail on the side is rotting? I even found one that shows you how to replace the tiles in the bathroom and fix the shower.”

It was only upon looking up from my computer that I noticed my son, head still under the sink, parts of which remained separated from their rightful home with the rest of the plumbing.

“Those videos are stupid,” my son sputtered. “They show you people dressed like they’re on their way out to dinner who decide to replace the garbage disposal right before they leave the house. They finish the whole job in fifteen minutes and don’t even get their clothes dirty. I’ve had my head under here for five hours and I’m still not done.”

“Sooooo, I guess that means you don’t want to watch any of these other videos?” I asked.

“Fran, I’d rather learn how to milk a goat,” my husband answered.

Thanks to You Tube, it just so happens I can help with that.

Do you have a favorite You Tube video? Click “comments” below and share!