By: Mary Fran Bontempo
1. Neil Patrick Harris: Awesome Tony host, super Emmy host, meh Oscar host. I’m pretty sure you need a comedian to host this show, not someone who needs to have his words written for him. The best Oscar hosts were all comedians–Billy Crystal, Ellen Degeneres, Johnny Carson, and the legendary Bob Hope. ‘Nuf said.
2. John Travolta is really weird. Given the chance to redeem himself after last year’s name-flub with the glorious Idina Menzel, Travolta pawed the poor woman’s face while slobbering over her, making the potentially funny bit again really awkward. Stop talking, John. Just stop.
3. Sean Penn can always be counted on to be obnoxious. While presenting the show’s most prestigious award for Best Picture, the permanently scowling Penn looked at the winner’s name and promptly blurted, “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” Classy. Can someone please ban this fool from, well, everything?
4. Lady Gaga can actually sort of sing. Who knew? And for once, she wasn’t wearing some variation of a meat-suit or some other outrageous outfit. The combination yielded her most shocking public performance to date: genuine singing and appropriate clothing.
5. I’m sick of seeing Marion Cotillard at the Oscars. This is going to sound horrible, but she’s French, and I sorta, kinda want to see Americans nominated and winning. That said, Eddie Redmayne was outstanding in The Theory of Everything, even though Bradley Cooper is way hotter.
6. Michael Keaton is still adorable, even at sixty-three. To close the show with, “Look, it’s just great to be here. Who am I kidding? It’s great fun.” –well, I just wanted to give the guy a hug.
7. Jared Leto looked as though he was channeling the guy from Dumb and Dumber with that blue tux. Well, that guy and Jesus, if Jesus ever wore a powder blue tux. Dude, you have money now. You don’t have to get your clothes at Goodwill.
8. Neil Patrick Harris going full frontal in his tighty-whiteys? No, thank you. I mean, really, no.
9. Rosamund Pike and that red dress–stunning. Scarlett Johansson and that green dress–ew.
I could go on, but that’s enough. Any time I can end a column by saying the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson looked “ew,” it’s time to quit before I get myself in trouble. As for next year’s show, I’m sure I’ll love–and hate–that too.