By: Mary Fran Bontempo
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Last Tuesday, Diana Nyad got out of the water. (

I get out of the water every day, after I shower. Then I step into my safe little bathroom, towel off, blow-dry my hair, dress and apply make-up. Generally, I’m never scared, unless I spend too much time looking in the mirror. But as far as the water part goes, no worries.

Nyad, however, had every reason to be a little nervous before she got out of the water. For 29 hours, the sixty-one year old was immersed in the waters off of Cuba in an attempt to complete a 103 mile swim from Cuba to Florida in shark infested waters.

About half-way through her trek, Nyad called off her record-breaking effort, climbing aboard an accompanying boat after succumbing to pain and nausea.

Did I mention that there were sharks in the water? And that Nyad is 61?

Kudos, applause and high-fives to this brave (crazy?) woman for even thinking of such an endeavor, let alone trying it. Whether she completed the swim or not, Nyad’s effort deserves recognition.

But I have to wonder, what the heck was she thinking?

Who wouldn’t want to be a world record holder? The acclaim, the sense of satisfaction—the money? Yet, I can think of several million other records I’d like to break that involve neither sharks nor 29 straight hours of exercise. For example:

Zero Exercise Record Holder. For this record, I would continue to maintain my “Jennifer Anniston” body while doing absolutely no exercise. No running, no weights, no yoga, no nothing. Of course, this record presumes I have a “Jennifer Anniston” body to begin with, so….

Never Hears “Mom, what’s for dinner?” Record Holder. Here, I would still have a family, but they would never, ever ask me “What’s for dinner?” Yeah, that’ll happen.

No Makeup, Still Looks Fabulous Record Holder. Pretty self-explanatory. But if I stopped buying makeup, wrinkle creams and other magic potions, the GNP would bottom out, millions would lose their jobs and the recession would continue for another six years. Bad idea.

Always Knows How to Fix Her Computer Record Holder. With this accomplishment, I would never again spend a consecutive seven hours and twenty-six minutes on the phone with someone in India who I can’t understand while they “fix” my computer. Without me, though, Dell and Linksys would file for bankruptcy, thus compounding the global economic mess. Yeesh.

Woman Who Successfully Executes Her Daily Plan Record Holder. There will never be a world record holder in this category.

Great Writer Who Makes a Fortune Based on Her Well-Written Content Without Doing Any of Her Own Marketing Record Holder. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ‘Nuf said.

Given my record breaking goals, I think I have a better chance of completing Diana Nyad’s swim. Anyone have any shark repellant?

What world records would you like to claim as your own? Click “comments” below and share!